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And i'm looking through the glass where the light bends

Below are the 23 most recent journal entries.

 

 
  2004.12.01  15.18


http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Surf_The_Sunrise

just go there i hardly ever write in here anymore...

 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.11.07  12.43


I got burned on my neck...and it hurts....

 
 
1 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.11.01  12.58
Last night

Alright so this time i promise not to go in head first and actually pay attention to every little thing...

 

This time things are gunna be different....

 

Last night i went to his house cus i was upset...not getting into it...sorry...just family issues...he was so sweet about it. He had plans but told them that he had something to deal with and that he couldn't do it, i felt so bad cus it was my fault, i wanted him to go out with them but he kept saying he wouldn't leave me there upset. So we talked about things and his mom and i talked...i love his mom haha...and then i went to say hi to his dad he came up and gave me a big hug...haha his family is so nice to me.

 

I just want to belong....

 

Then we went outside after talking to his parents for almost an hour. Haha we are a bunch of five year old kids. We were fighthing over a toy gun for about a half hour...ouch i fell off the couhc and i have a bruise on my hip haha. He fell of to so im not the only clumsy one. I wore the kid out he fell alseep, i was seriously laying there trying to wake him up for 20 minutes, it was cute tho, i was poking at him and everything...nope he didn't wake up. When he did wake up he just kissed me looked at me and just kept saying how sorry he was, i almost cried when he told me he loved me. I felt so much better. He asked me if i'd go back out with him...of course i said yes...i know i know...but i love the kid.

 

He makes me so happy...

 

I stayed at his house for awhile we talked about alot of things, and then we left went to the park, and layed out in the field...yes in the middle of the field...but then again he made fun of me while i was laying there but oh well. It was cute, bright moon, stars, park, haha he laughed about the whole thing but it was his idea. Then i had to get back to his house cus my dad was picking me up. My dads not to key about the whole thing but screw him. Went to my moms picked up my stuff and then came home. Yeah great night <3



 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.31  23.18


I HAVE AN ANNOCEMENT TO MAKE:

 

 

 

he loves me....10/31...things will work out this time i love you

 

 

And i'll never give up on us





Mood: cheerful
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.29  22.50
Happy...

...Yeah so what his little things make me happy...

Alright how weird am i...I asked Pat to promise to try and be on time today for school since i was taking the kids for child development around trick-or-treating. He said he'd try his hardest...heard that before...so today i went walkiong with them wondering "is he here? mabe he isn't...mabe he is..."  SO i walk into his class and i take brooke to get her candty and everything and i  am bent down talking to her and i get this weird feeling so i stand up and there he is...

and how much more he love her when she smiles....

i knew what he was thinking and i saw it in his face...he wanted to call me mom, we both just sat there and all i could do was laugh about it.

it's his little imperfections that make me want him more

yeah...so i'm that pathetic...how can he does this sort of thing to me...how can he make me feel so cruddy but so...lifted at the same time...





Mood: curious
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.26  16.27
Reality Check

WAKE UP.....TAKE A LOOK AROUND...YOUR NOT ALONE!

Yeah so the guys came home this weekend...Tyler Steve Omar Mike Matt Mikey...it was nice to have them home. Friday night i had work pretey nice i mean...the people there are awesome. Then Saturday was a reck...

And i thought all the pain was over...you just brought more again...i love you for it </3

So i wake up Saturday morning talk to Mac...he was wake...WoW!....then went to dance, gotta figure out alot of things for that class. Then I started getting my stuff together for homecoming then i went to my moms freaked out cus my dress was WAY WAY WAY too short so i got a buncg together brought them over to Maggie's my savior! she did my hair and helped me pick out my dress. I talked to pat...things were a lil undecided still so we agreed if he was late then we'd meet at the dance, he kept saying he wanted to go...

You could lie to me all you want...i would let you....but i want the truth...

Well got ready went back to my moms food friends PIZZA yummy...oh yeah i forgot....DRAMA!!! Things between Mike and Maggie have been a lil shakey lately, but they'll make it thru i know they will <3 I was freakin out cus i wasn't happy for some reason...Katie was mad mark hadn't gotten there exactly at 630. My dad was being mean to Mike. So steve and Mikey left for awhile...Mikey doesn't like my dad too much. We were all in my basement eating talking pictures n everything waiting for the dance to start so we could decide if we wanted to go yet or not...

oh geeze here it comes....get ready for it...

I get a text on my phone from Pat...i really hate it when he texts me...Well he couldn't make it. He was at a funeral which he told me but he couldn't get away cus his mom wanted to stay..that was fine i understood, but i couldn't help feeling like things hadn't changed. Drama drama drama is all im gunna say.

i just wanted to be left alone...

The night turned out okay...I was with Maggie the whole time..she was feeling sick.. i felt so bad for her.. i saw zack jesse and scott..haha they were awesome! and i danced with kevin...hmm...hung out with alot of my friends...it was a good time...katie left early at maggie left at 11, kevin left a lil after that and i left a lil after him. Maggie couldn't go back out...Katie and Mark were at my moms so i went back there, then went back to my dads and went to sleep...feeling bad for myself...bad jessie...

And i can't help it...you mean everything to me

Wake up Sunday morning wishing i went out to a party or something but i was feeling terrible and i knew i'd screw up. Katie my dad and i got ready and Katie told me mark was like almost every other guy and was a jerk and said he just wanted to end things...ew nasty words...i talked to Dawn at breakfast my dad let me...she is preety cool i wanna meet her...my mom is freaking out about my dad having a girlfriend...

Sometimes i just wanna get away....

Get home sunday night and the guys are still here...Steve isn't doing so great him and Alley aren't together anymore and things at home aren't too good, Omar is with this girl they are confusing...Mike and Maggie fight btu they will last, and Tyler isn't doing so good....lots of break ups fights problems...man do we need friends to get us thru life or what?! I realized if your close with someone then you go thru alot of the same things they do around the same time...not always but it happens...

I keep telling myself that this is life...

Emily thanks for being there for me lately! Your so great!!! i love you and miss you!!!We go thru alot together... keep going strong i promise things may be bad now but its gunna get easier and better!!! Alley i miss you so much! you need to come home and be with me! Thanks for everything you say and do!! I love you!! Ren i'm so happy we are talking now! i miss you!!! Maggie...keep holding strong sweety things are gunna get better...you know what you need to do to get what you want...Katie things are hard and seem like its the end but try to make things better then they will be i love you sis! Marie...you helped me thru so much thanks for everything! I'm so glad things are turning around for you! I love hanging out...miss you...

Keep going...they tell me keep going...

Taylor...you know you've always been the biggest help to me...i learn from you...thanks for always being there for me, and just talking to me it's been awhile since we met, keep being ouy, you know your gunna get far with that. Mac..do i wsih you'd actually read this! well anyways i don care if you dont you've been such a good friend i can't believe how much time you've put into me and listening to me, your something else i love you kid. Mike...we'd had some rought times but hey we're family. keep holding on to that one thing you want, you may get pushed down but you'll always get up never let go if your gunna regret it. Steve...i'm here if you ever need to talk...your a great guy and you deserve everything GOOOD you get...things will look up soon. Omar...your something else your mean to me!!! haha i love you thanks for all your help! Tyler...such an interesting person...your alot of good things and only a few bad things, but when your around its like everyone suddenly is happy, and when your upset its like we attacth..we learn from the best...you...Matt...bro i miss you come home sometime so we can hang out!

And i'm never gunna look back....

There are alot more people that help me...but right now i'm having such a hard time thinking...i dunno here is some stuff i've been thinking...

"Things may seem like they are at there worst but believe that some day and some how they will get better cus they will your not always going to hurt and be sad or sorry or upset and your not always going to be happy...as bad as that may seem...everyone isnt ALWAYS happy! You deserve everything GOOD you get, the things that happen bad are just trips in the road we seem to find. Don't worry the bad will go away but it does come with the good. Your not going to always be with someone and that someone you may want to be with may not always want you. Yes i know harsh but its life, you'll find someone someday who is always going to be there for you want to help you and just like to be around you. Someday...mabe not today. Your the best you can be, don't change yourself just to make someone else happy, if your happy with yourself then be you. People may thing your only cool if you drink do drugs smoke, thats not what makes you cool. Your friends are gunna get you trhu life, help them and let them help you. DOn't turn away if your afraid face life head on. Love to the fullest, Live to the best, and just be happy with you. DOn't let anybody run your life for you..."

Your my favorite mistake...but then again your not a mistake to me...

My little fuck up...there that fits </3





Mood: curious
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.26  16.23
Some cool people

Aww EMily Vincent (elizabeth) and Sean...at camp...good times...

Ren came back for one of our hay rides to Rudder's to just hang out..I love this girl!

Thanks for the pictures Ren!





Mood: creative
 
 
1 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.25  16.23
I'm not Okay ( I Promise )

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what they mean
(I'm not okay)
So be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took?
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay.
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)



Mood: crushed
 
 
1 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.19  16.11
ugh

I hated yesterday so badly...

 

Your all i want....your all i need...but you don't want me...

 

And it's killing me... </3





Mood: crushed
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.18  16.16
Belly

Here's my belly button...hehe and the new addition :)

 

 

In your frame you'll be this well. In the face you miss the most,

        You'll see them soon...stop.
                    I bid you fair warning,

Stay up 'til you...When the memories occur,Of a life you haven't lived.

            Stay still, you will.
                     And I've got a secret to hide...





Mood: crazy
 
 
2 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.16  22.11


I got my belly button pierced!

pat and i are on a break...

he is coming over tonight

i worked today

have training tomorrow

and work

homework...egh

later-

 
 
2 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.14  19.18
Pat

You're nothing more than a sweet nightmare ripping into my skin and breaking my heart

 

 

So i sit here waiting for another chance to fall asleep so i can dream again about you killing me

 

 

Another chance for you to lie to me...you could kill me...i'd let you get away with it..





Mood: contemplative
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.14  18.30
Emily and Alley

I love Emily and Alley with all my heart!

Aww they made me so happy! Miserable past couple of weeks and it took only two gril and one hour to make it go away for awhile.

Me and Emily:

SaveMeFromLimbo: i love you. so thats all that should matter.
SaveMeFromLimbo: go out with me
x hURleY 19 x: haha alright

SaveMeFromLimbo: AWESOME!
x hURleY 19 x: yes! you and alley both asked me out on the same day!
x hURleY 19 x: im the luckiest girl ever!
SaveMeFromLimbo: ..HAHAHA
SaveMeFromLimbo: we have good taste!
x hURleY 19 x: haha you guys are the best
SaveMeFromLimbo: we all are the best!
SaveMeFromLimbo: were like..charlies angels!!!
x hURleY 19 x: hahah awesome!
SaveMeFromLimbo: alley can be drew berrymores' character, cuz she has red hair, ill be lucy lu. and ur cameron diaz!
SaveMeFromLimbo: its all about the hair
x hURleY 19 x: haha yeah
x hURleY 19 x: i want blakc hair tho
x hURleY 19 x: haha or dark brown
SaveMeFromLimbo: fine YOU be lucy!
x hURleY 19 x: hehe
x hURleY 19 x: im coooool
x hURleY 19 x: your the hott one
x hURleY 19 x: and alley is the crazy one
x hURleY 19 x: dude so works!

SaveMeFromLimbo: yah..brown hair rocks
SaveMeFromLimbo: HAHAHA
x hURleY 19 x: haha
SaveMeFromLimbo: and ur sister..she can be charlie!
x hURleY 19 x: hahah okay!
SaveMeFromLimbo: lol
x hURleY 19 x: nicee
SaveMeFromLimbo: man, we are soo cool
x hURleY 19 x: yes yes we are
SaveMeFromLimbo: lol
x hURleY 19 x: haha
x hURleY 19 x: you rock emily
x hURleY 19 x: oops i mean cameron
SaveMeFromLimbo: no YOU rock!
SaveMeFromLimbo: i miss you!
SaveMeFromLimbo: hahaha yes!
x hURleY 19 x: i miss you too!
x hURleY 19 x: so in need of a reunion
SaveMeFromLimbo: me too!
SaveMeFromLimbo: u live in montgomery county right?
x hURleY 19 x: mmhm
SaveMeFromLimbo: so far away
x hURleY 19 x: i know!
SaveMeFromLimbo: where is that?
x hURleY 19 x: uhh between dc and bmore
SaveMeFromLimbo: when i drive..im soooo going down to see you
x hURleY 19 x: haha when i drive im so going to go see you!
x hURleY 19 x: mutual feelings are awesome
SaveMeFromLimbo: HAHAA
SaveMeFromLimbo: yes@
x hURleY 19 x: haha awesome

 

Me and Alley:

crazypepper23: :-D:-D:-D
crazypepper23: do u wanna be my girl?
x hURleY 19 x: hehe
crazypepper23: hahah##
crazypepper23: i gotta go to bed but i love youuuuu
x hURleY 19 x: i think the question is...
x hURleY 19 x: haha alright
x hURleY 19 x: love youuuu night night babe!
crazypepper23: no whuts the question#
x hURleY 19 x: your mine!
x hURleY 19 x: no question a statment!

crazypepper23: haha haha of course im urs
x hURleY 19 x: yay!

 

aww i love them!





Mood: cheerful
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.13  19.29
Hmph

And it had to end like this...

Yeah so i was having a good day, then i came home. I CAN'T STAND THIS!

Seriously why do i have to deal with this day in and day out? I can't freakin get a break every once in awhile?! Yeah w/e i don't care...but yeah then again i do.

So i was having a good day i went out on a walk cus i just didn't feel like being in the house and i saw Peter pat's lil brother and he was like "Pat's not home but my mom is so if you wanna go ask when he'll be home or get the number she is there." so i went to his house and i was only gunna stay a minute and talk to his mom but three hours later im still there, we talked about alot and she now knows whats going on with me and pat and she is upset about it. we both agree...the boy is confusing! I helped her clean out the paint holders she is painting Peter and Pats room. We had a  good time she told me she liked me being there. Of course Pat had no idea i was there, he didn't come home...so yeah still haven't seen him in like forever!

Why is it i can't let go of him?! Mabe becuase i don't want to....

so confusing. but yeah i come home and i dont wanna be here my mom and i get into a fight, but what's new...? And yeah im in my room music blarring and i just want to get away!!





Mood: drained
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.11  21.56
Figured out

unti1 the end: its annoying cause i wish i could still get thrown around like the old days. but im like old now...the days caught up with me and its moved from skateboards and nerf guns to SAT's and work
unti1 the end: no longer is your "coolness" measured by your lego assembling ability or your record of the farthest kid yo jump off the swimg...
unti1 the end: it just takes so much more now a days...

^^^haha he offical made my day! haha that kid is cool beyond his years! he is exaclty what i needed...hmm i feel so blahhh but gotta get thru it

yeah so im a summer fling, im okay with that i guess...i loved this summer...if you wanted to know...

pat...my little fuck up...i misss you and i love you...things will get better..

alley...come home to me haah i love you and miss you....that goes for emily too!

ugh dont know what else to say...later-

oh mad i didnt get to go to the incubus concert!!!!! grrr

 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.10  07.03
same feelings..

yeah not feeling any beter and i guess i wont be if this keep up...

i honestly don't get it...he is my boyfriend....which means we see eachother we talk hang out go places do things...yeah well not happenig. whenever we talk its when i call him...which more than half the time he NEVER picks up. the only time we see eachother is when i go to his house and in the last three weeks ive seen him outside of school TWICE!! he wanted to do something this weekend....yeah that never happened he didnt call like he said he would...what else is knew?! and when i called him he didn't pick up...wow BIG surprise and he never called back so i havent seen him and i cant see him today cus i have work so i guess that means whenever i see him its going to be in school cus we both HAVE to go so that means we will see eachother...mabe.

--We should talk about what we were going through.. I'm hoping that you'll change so we can see straight some day--

yeah he needs to see that....but he never will...

i missss alley soooo much and emily and squash and vincent and taylor and zack..i miss him alot..and nicole and tori and jessie beck...and yeah the rest of the people i worked with this summer....hmph

i promise the next update will be better and happier...later-





Mood: crushed
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.03  19.34
This is how i felt...

Something isn't right,
I can feel it again, feel it again.
This isn't the first time,
That you left me waiting.
Sad excuses and false hopes high,
I saw this coming, still I don't know why,
I let you in.

I knew it all along,
You're so predictable.
I knew something would go wrong... (Something's going wrong...)
So you don't have to call,
Or say anything at all.
You're so predictable... (So predictable...)

So take your empty words,
Your broken promises.
And all the time you stole,
Cause I am done with this.

I could give it away, give it away,
I'm doing everything I should've.
And now I'm making a change,
I'm living today.
I'm giving back what you gave me,
I don't need anything.

I knew it all along,
You're so predictable.
I knew something would go wrong... (Something's going wrong...)
So you don't have to call,
Or say anything at all.
You're so predictable... (So predictable...) Now everywhere I go,
Everyone I meet,
Every time I try to fall in love,
They all want to know why I'm so broken.

Why I am I so cold,
Why I'm so hard inside.
Why am I scared?
What am I afraid of?

I don't even know, this story's never had an end.
I've been waiting,
I've been searching,
I've been hoping,
I've been dreaming you would come back,
But I know the ending of this story.
And you're never coming back,
Never...

Never, never, never, never...
Never, never, never, never...
Never, never, never, never...

I knew it all along,
You're so predictable.
I knew something would go wrong... (Something's going wrong...)

So you don't have to call,
Or say anything at all.
So predictable... (So predictable...)

Everywhere I go for the rest of my life,
Everyone I love, (So predictable...)
Everyone I care about,
They're all gonna want to know what's wrong with me
And I know what it is... (So predictable...)
What it is is right now.



Not such a great weekend but things are better now...pat and i made up so thats good.....so now i got to deal with some other things...



Mood: numb
 
 
3 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.02  21.03
Crappy

Crazy night last night tyler came over around 11 and didn't leave til like 11 this morning. Thanks tyler for listening to me complain...you do it so well lol. atleast i know who my real friends are now...right now i feel like crap i don't wanna be around anyone but then again i do. I mean i wanna be around certain people..and i can't be. they are either in england, don't wanna takl to me for some reason i cant get, or they are assholes and don't pick up my calls or lie to me about things. now why would i wanna be around someone like that?? cus i love em.
Maybe i did make a mistake but it doesn't matter anymore really....damnit why can't everything just be good?! i went on a walk today and i sat at the park for about two hours just me and thought about everything ive done in the past month...man do i just wanna be somewhere i feel wanted...



Mood: crushed
 
 
1 .Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.10.01  14.19


Yesterday went over to maries and had a mad DDr session i killed them! haha it was awesome! then today went to school left early went to coldstone's with norie wait its NORY now and katie and soon im off to work. and tonight garret is having a party so i think im going to that and then mabe i'll hang out with patrick saturday the guys are coming home from college...OBX REUNION!!! hittin up the DDR again haha we are gunna beat tyler! ha! not...lol and sunday katherine wants me katie katie's date me and pat to go to the movies with her so yeah my weekend is looking good!
I finally decided....zack knows and i feel like crap...i just feel like something...something is just weird and i dont know what it is...i just wish i knew what happened...and i want to talk toh im...i dont wanna loose a great guy like him...looks like im not gunna be able to control that... :-(
got to go to work....later



Mood: crazy
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.09.28  18.14
good day

Woke up late went to school went to all my classes...blah...then got out of school...yay!...then norie katie i went to subway after calling "our guys" to ask where we should eat...three girls i one car trying to figure out what to eat...not a good combo! haha....then we ended up going to Subway stayed there for about an hour or two then went to starbucks then i came home did my stupid english project...ewwie...and now going to daddy's for a bit...

...i think i love him...

Later-



Mood: contemplative
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.09.27  15.37


Hmm let's see today i got a detention...not too happy about it...a 2-6 isnt going to kill me haha..

like the background? get em' out

http://www.purevolume.com/alltimelow

they are good....verry good

mommy's gunna be home soon we are going to cali-t to go eat....yummy :-D

Later-

 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.09.26  20.52


Katie Maire and I = losers on a Saturday night....seXXy

Wakin up at 9 in the morning to play some good ol' soccer...good times there haha! went to patrick's woke him up at 11....the earliest he has ever been up on a saturday haha aww poor baby...then got my phone back then went out cus its my daddys b-day came back to my moms fixed my computer and then nothing....nicee

 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head


 
  2004.09.24  17.37
New..

Yeah i'm being retarted i don't like the other name for my livejournal so i made a new one...

Nothing to interesting going on...rather than i want something i can't have and it's annoying me badly!!! well mabe its more two things in one and then something with Pat is annoying me....it's life gotta deal

Later-



Mood: bored
 
 
Thoughts like this that catch my troubled head



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